Well, here I am, sitting in my recliner on a Saturday morning. I feel depressed today. I don’t know why. I can’t put my finger on a particular reason. I have been feeling this way for the past month or so. I am trying to pinpoint the problem so that I can find a solution. Every problem has a solution, right?
There are many potential issues that might be adding to my depression. Being alone..probably number one. I have been alone for 13 years, since my divorce. I have tried meeting guys, dating here and there, online dating sites. They all come up short. The loving, passionate, kind, romantic, attractive, intelligent, masculine, Mr. Right is no where to be found. I thought I had found him once. It turned out to be a scam. I hate scammers. I have resigned myself to a life of solitude, having convinced myself that Mr. Right was born in another time and place. I don’t know how I ended up here. God doesn’t make mistakes.
Maybe it’s because of my finances. I scrape by every month, paying the rent, utilities, buying food, trying to provide for my daughter. What’s left for me? Nothing. I feel like I don’t matter. And always they want more. Bill collectors calling, wanting money I don’t have to give them. They are blood sucking leeches, wanting more and more of something I don’t even have to give. I have considered my options. Tried to think of ways to earn more income. I thought about throwing myself back into the rat race, trying to find a decent paying job. Not much chance of that. I would be bringing in even less income than I am now, and be even more miserable at a miserable job I hate that doesn’t pay enough to help me alleviate the burden of the debt I carry. It sure looks bleak.
Then there are the Jesus freaks. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Jesus. It’s Christians I can’t stand. Bible thumping, preaching, hypocritical Christians who hide behind the words, “I’ll pray for you” but don’t lift a finger to help their fellow neighbor. I love Jesus. I hate Christians. I don’t want to be put in a box, expected to live some perfect life that I can’t possibly live up to. I have never felt comfortable in church. I have tried many, always the same thing. Some preacher standing up on his pulpit trying to convince us to live in little boxes that stifle our growth, imagination, and freedom. Didn’t Jesus die to set us free? Well, I think I’ll keep my personal relationship with Jesus, and tell the Bible thumpers to go thump someone else.
I do feel a sense of relief after writing these words. I have no followers yet…lol…so I am the only one who will be reading this. But that is ok. My best friend and sister in Christ will read it. I love you, my sister. I wish I could talk to you right now. But, I feel so dark. I don’t want the darkness to spread to you. I am trying to find the light again. Going to spend lots of time with the Lord. He is the only one who can put light back into my life. I pray his holy spirit will once again fill me with joy. I have been in depression before. He has lifted me out and saved me. He will do it again.
I love my daughter. I want to be the best mom I can be. I feel like I am failing. She doesn’t want to be around me. She prefers being in her room with the door shut, playing on her computer and watching television. Is it just the age? Is it me? Did I do something wrong? I want to reconnect with her. I don’t know how. I love her so much. She is becoming her own person. But I still want to be her mommy……
Fast forward from morning to evening. Just finished with dinner. Child and pets and myself have been fed. Just have to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen. Then…I quit for the day. Got some laundry done today, along with a bit cleaning. I wish I had done more, but, energy just isn’t there.
I did get a bible study in today, listening online. I also read paper 2 of the Urantia Book. I was going to start reading paper 3, but I think it best to stick with one paper per day, as it is deep reading. I am anxious to move on though, the later papers hold much interest for me. I could skip ahead, but then I might be missing something important. Besides, when reading a book, any book, I like to start from page one and go through chronologically. For instance, the Bible. i am reading it from cover to cover. It is the only way I can grasp the full meaning of it. So, I am currently reading the Bible and the Urantia Book. I am feeding my spirit, which is really hungry right now. Perhaps that is the reason for the depression. My soul is hungry.
I came across the following video on the Urantia online website. I listened, and it lightened my soul. I wanted to share it with whoever might come across my blog.
Well, i think that is all I have to write for today. I am going to do a bit more Bible study, then watch more of season 4 of Weeds…lol….I can’t believe I said that in the same sentence. Yes, I am spiritual. And, yes, I like the tv show Weeds. It’s hilarious. So, I am not your typical Christian, as you can see. Jesus is my Savior. I have lots to learn about Him. I love Him. He loves me. Me made me just the way I am. And I happen to think Weeds is funny. Good night. And God Bless.